Had an interesting day today. Weird how things turn out when you got time. Work was the usual business, but afterwards I picked up Mikey Mike and we checked out the shop where my car was to be fixed. Turns out it’s called R-Toys and it’s actually pretty well known. Also the owner has a Miata and was the first turbo one on island (“supposedly,” as Mike put it.) Repairs should be good in a day, so I oughta be rolling proper again by Wednesday. After the assessment, we checked out the dude who hit me’s place. He has a 1971 Toyota Corolla and a 1986 Corolla. Both fully built and sitting on some sick hardware. Genuine TRD wheels and some seriously rare Tom’s multi-pieces.
On the way home I ran into a horrific load of traffic. Like, mad serious bumper bumper shit and I saw a lady out in the sun hitch hiking. It was kind of funny because I’ve never had a situation where I seriously wondered what I was thinking. Like, I asked myself, “umm, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Is it, “no one should be walking in this heat! I’ll pick up this poor lady!” or “hold up, I gotta see what kind of person this is. Traffic’s bad anyway, might as well be entertained.”
Like, the lady was seriously one of the most interesting people I’ve seen in a good while. She was in her 50′s easy. Her skin was white like she were dead for a week, she was dressed up in bright ass garbs and covered in a pound of make up and had these huge tits just hanging out as if she were working what’s left of her armaments of youth. So yeah, turns out she is a former call girl/stripper/junkie turned single mother/mama-san whose sobriety is ambiguous. She was carrying this pink handbag the size of a bowling ball that started wiggling and I was like, “oh jesus, are you serious? lol” Like out of a fucking cartoon, she pulls out this Boonie Chihuahua named Lovely that’s wearing a pink shirt. We went up the hill from Agana shooting the shit. She was telling me how fucked up she was back in the day, making hundreds a night turning tricks and spending it all on ice and stuff. Traffic entertainment set.
There’s road work being done at the top of the hill and our two lanes of retarded traffic starts to merge into one. She goes, “hey, get in the center lane and drive up to where it merges, I bet you I’ll get us through.” So we go up ahead and she has me roll down her window and she leans out to the Lexus at the fork, hangs her tits out the window and signals for us to get through and he just lets us by. I lol’d so goddamn hard. “Blonde hair, blue eyes and some big ol’ juggs will get you anything!” she says.
So we get to her place and it turns out she lives in the same complex as my boss and on top of that, more or less like 20 feet away. Then she… invites me inside for a drink. After accepting I start to think, “oh shit, is she still whoring?!” Then it turns to “this is fucked up! What if she’s notorious and my boss sees my car!” which becomes, “gross man, even if I was that desperate to fuck whores, there’s no way I could get it up for a lady older than my Mom*”. Luckily, we just had some Kool-Aid and Tang while she taught me some Japanese (she worked in Tumon for a couple decades). Armed with the power to ask Nippon bitches for a blowjob, we parted ways with her giving me her number to call if I wanted her to hook me up with one of her friends for an evening.
This shit was so fucking hilari-awesome, why do I feel like I gained 40 hipster points for befriending a former prostitute? I wonder if there’s an X-Box Live style hipster achievement list.
*Foot note: Jennifer Tilly, please call me. <3
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